myroomofmirrors

For years I lived with ill health, forever at the doctor, days and weeks in hospital, pills being popped and needles taking my blood far too often. Biopsies and cell counts a normal part of my life.

My body is scarred from operations and I have a drawer full of scans.

For the past 3 or 4 months I have been having headaches, these developed into day long ones and soon week long ones. The last one has been going for about 3 weeks. It peaks then it dies down again to a ‘gentle’ lull, like that of a hangover. This morning I woke up with a terrible headache and decided enough. I went to the doctors ( I hate my doctor, he is a shit) and have been given migraine tablets. I have to try them for a month to see if that is what it is before they go any further. Hopefully they will work.

I hate being ill, I see it as a weakness, as my body being a failure and there is little I can do. Going to bed for the day is torture and not the easiet of things to do with three children in the house!

This is my room of mirrors. My room where everything about me is visable, from every angle. In this room I have to see what is real, what is there and I have to deal with it.

But I still see this is my hiding place, my place to lay things down that I don’t want to see in everyday life. Some of it is heavy and dark and makes me cry all the time, other stuff is fleeting and just for the day. I share this space with people who love me and I trust, people whose opinions I value. They are my friends but aren’t in my home town. I can’t pop round for a coffee and pour my heart out over the table. Sometimes I want and need to be able to let it go without interruption, sometimes I don’t want to share my heart and my thoughts with the world, sometimes I just need to be.

Pre-nuptial Agreement

I, the undersigned, agree that:

1. In the highly unlikely event of my not having an orgasm, after you’ve drunkenly rolled on top of me, as is entirely normal and in accordance with the natural order of things, and pumped away for two minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. It’ll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like “Oh, you’re so good, you’re the best.” and howling like a cat that’s being repeatedly jabbed with a compass.

2. Should your mother show me any photos of you as a child, like those ones taken at your auntie’s wedding where you’ve got a velvet bow tie and a pudding-bowl haircut, I shall make no comment - Ever - or even look at you in a way that suggests they are all “funny.”

3. I fully understand that a woman’s main role in any relationship is to take the blame, so when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that, by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman, it will be my fault, even if I wasn’t there. To demonstrate my understanding of this principle, I will prepare your favorite meal or, in the event of not being able to cook, take you out for a superb meal at my cost.

4. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and that I have discovered, contrary to popular belief, that size does matter. I will also mention this to YOUR friends a lot.

5. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as “making love”), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours until your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. Under no circumstances will I attempt to start a conversation as you are dropping off to sleep.

6. I will never, ever give your penis a “cute” nickname. Any references to this hallowed appendage will be prefaced with words such as “mighty,” “huge” or “the thunderstick.”

7. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

8. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I’ll invite them around for dinner and hide their car keys so they have to stay. I understand that video footage of such incidents is an indispensable part of the experience and in the event that you do not already possess one, I will acquire a video camera for you at the earliest opportunity.

9. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues, or anyone else you have ever met, or may one day meet. If men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have “ruined me for other men.”

10. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, barbecues and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you’re in charge of the lot, except for the iron, the vacuum and the washing machine, of course.

Signed _______________ Date _________________

I can cry at anything and very often do!